After joining little league to be more like his older brother, he almost fell asleep in right field just as a left-handed hitter lobbed one in his direction. The coach, for the first time this season, yelled feroiciously at the boy, who was afraid of the ball and let it hit his arm before landing on the ground.
Most of us still remember a time before The Fork – a simpler time when you didn’t have to worry about what ‘the other you’ or ‘your TOY’ was doing, but things have been more calm since inter-universal travel has been outlawed (except in Mexico).
September 11, 2010 was a devastating day for Al Gore. The USA Today proclaimed, “School named after Al Gore was built on toxic soil.” What was to become of his legacy? 2010 was a rough year for Gore. In June DARPA sent him back in time where he had to travel back to the future only to find himself replaced by a clone who had allegedly committed crimes in his place. After fixing the space time continuum and outing his clone, Al returned to his flower shop only to find out that the school named after him had been built on toxic soil. “That was the last straw,” he said, and like a donkey under a heavy load, he fell prostate on the ground, weeping where his tears cooled the earth and saved us from global warming. People around the world (and in Mexico) rejoiced and Al Gores legacy was restored!
As many of you know, Rick Perry will be the next president, but as many of you know, Perry is no longer in the race. No matter. He is simply waiting for Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum to spend all of their money while he currently collects it. Once all of their money is gone and neither one is a front runner, Rick Perry will show up, point out how simple his name is to spell, and the American public will usher in a new era of Perry Presidentics.
“We are the preferred method of toilet paper in the woods, so we’re bringing the woods inside with our own brand of Poison Ivy Toilet Paper. You spoke, we listened. We realize you had a choice in the woods between crunchy, fallen oak leaves or tiny honeysuckle leaves and you chose us – Three Leaves that Care™. All we ask is that you make that same decision when you’re in your favorite grocery or convenience store. Thanks for wiping.
“Hey folks, I hope you’re enjoying 2012 so far because it’s going to be a doozie! We’re just getting warmed up with new records for heat being broken daily around the country. Expect wide droughts this summer and crop famine as we head into fall. Wake me up when September ends because that’s the beginning of the end, my friends! Just remember, when they say, “Doom? Not hardly!”, you say, ‘Doomsday Charlie!”
On a hot, sunny day in the summer of 1980 in Kansas City, a young boy crossed the border into America. Although the air outside was warm, he felt nothing but cold as he was captured, poked, and prodded. They said it was for his protection, but all he wanted was his mother. All he wanted was to let the world know about what happened that day.
A little after a month after we first encountered what the media is now calling ‘The Dark Star’ another close encounter has has rocked the already fragile planet causing more earthquakes and tsunami warnings. Many countries are still dealing with getting power restored and civil services back up and running. Many police have quit their jobs in order to take care of their families as food and other basic resources ran out weeks ago. Most grocery stores were empty by September 29th when the looting and riots broke out. Since then, concentration camps have been setup in schools to hold those who are awaiting trial since the prisons are now completely full. Parents are encouraged to home school their children and citizens are urged to remain calm.
What scientists are now describing as a ‘dwarf star’ that is cool to the touch, emits no light, and is approximately 700 times the size of earth, has orbited in between the earth and the sun, plunging the world into darkness and chaos. Magnetic shielding from the sun has collapsed and electrical grids and equipment are failing world-wide, which is making it difficult to report on the massive earthquakes and volcanic eruptions happening around the globe as new gravitational forces tug on our liquid, iron magma. The President, his staff, and congress are all underground in secret bunker locations not affected by earthquake, tidal waves, or sinkholes. The most likely location is under the Denver airport as the Maryland and Texas bunkers are both too near the shore. Citizens have been urged to stay calm.
Grocery stores, banks, and utility companies are bracing for the lack of monthly income they’ve come to expect – and the people who rely on the checks are going to be in a world of hurt. The social contract has been broken and faith in the government as a financial institution may be permanently harmed. Moody’s has already downgraded the US which could affect bond sales, but interest payments on bonds did go out on August 3rd. This led to some remarking that the US cares more about its investors than in its own people. Citizens have been urged to remain calm.